Author Archives: The Lady in the Back Row.

5am. Mosquito bites. Once I’m awake, I’m awake. I sleep less the older I get. Coffee. Dark sky. Clear constellations. Today begins a new lunar cycle, a pause to reset. Last year was about illness recovery, health rebuilding, financial pressure, and waiting for stability. This year: Recovery into maintenance. Health into structure. Money into strategy.Continue reading “By Design”

Weekends fly by now. So do the days. There was a time when Friday opened wide. Now it feels like a breath in, a breath out, and it’s Sunday night. Time hasn’t changed. Awareness has. This weekend I tried to learn Instagram. A small thing, really. Yet stepping into a new space always reveals somethingContinue reading “Weekend Fly-By”

Awake at 2am. Seventeen-year-old little dog yelping confused. Dementia. Yesterday I took the kids back to see the little horse. I got too close to the electric fence. The shock hit like a log across my back. Sharp. Invisible. Real. Dinner was another pub menu. Same meals, different heading. I hate cooking, which probably makesContinue reading “Reality vs the Scroll”

Growing up, we are taught to believe in the Cinderella story, the fairytale, the rescue, the happily ever after. My relationships have often felt more like cinders than castles. I carry no regrets, because life is meant to be lived, experienced, and learned from. The truth I’ve discovered is this: I have always been myContinue reading “Happy Valentine’s Day”

Restless sleep. Awake at six. The air is crisp, holding that fragile space between night and day. The moon lingers, a quiet smile in the fading dark while beneath the clouds, the sun begins its patient rise. A changing of guard. A reminder that nothing stays still. Friday carries its own rhythm. My favourite workday,Continue reading “Before the Sun”

I woke up in my own house this morning. The scent of my garden drifting through the air felt grounding, familiar, steady, safe. Yesterday reminded me that progress is rarely linear. Two steps forward, one step back. Work was difficult. Home felt heavy. My energy was unsettled, and everything seemed to amplify from there. WorkplaceContinue reading “Recalibrating”

I stopped to talk to a 95-year-old man last night who lives around the corner from me, on a hill with paddocks and horses nearby. I’d wondered if my granddaughter might one day ride one of them. The horses aren’t his, but he invited me inside. The stories he shared were living history — aContinue reading “A Moment of Living History”

Day four today. Small amounts of fruit continue — steady, meaningful progress. My brother and his family remain a constant source of support, calling daily and surrounding her with positive energy. Momentum is building, gently but surely. A fresh day begins — birds chirping, hopeful vibes, one step forward in a long journey.

Doom scrolling is so unhealthy. Awake at 4:30am. Re calibration this morning hopefully building on the last few days of wellness to gain some traction. Feeling Positive ☘️

Pilates again today, a familiar rhythm, grounding and steady. Yesterday was spent cleaning and preparing for the week ahead, small tasks that quietly set things in motion. Today is haircuts and more preparation. A little bit of Aid, pomegranate juice, very low blood pressure. My aim for today is simple: a few spoons of vegetableContinue reading “Sunday Positivity”

My brother returned home today. The past week has been spent sharing the load, and the support has been deeply appreciated. I’m so grateful the kids were able to see that we do have a family member who truly cares. Progress has been made — tiny amounts of fruit, and the beginnings of a dailyContinue reading “Small Steps, Steady Hope”

We took the day off and went on an adventure with the family — Phillip Island, Amaze and things. My brother will head back home tomorrow. Yesterday felt like a real step forward. Half a strawberry. A small chunk of mango. A shower. And a delusion fought.

Pilates. Kids. Work. Hospital Discharge. A morning that feels steady. One step closer to recovery. Recently a jeweller tells me my new jade pendant needs reinforcing. Says my necklace will break. Three thousand dollars. It rattles me. I get a second opinion. My jeweller looks at it, smiles. “Beautiful pendant. Strong chain. Don’t touch it.Continue reading “Promising Start”

It’s lovely to have my brother here. He loves my girl, and it’s heartbreaking to see her so unwell. Will the sickness break? Or will I keep watching it attack her mind and body? That question is a constant presence. The routine remains — work, school, animals, two houses, hospital. I try not to thinkContinue reading “Quiet Hope”

I wake too early, before the responsibility comes for the day. The full moon is still there. Pale. Lingering. Not ready to leave yet. For a moment, everything is quiet. Before the day starts asking things of me, before the noise, before the weight, I whisper a small prayer. I trust the future heard me.

Doom scroll. Sickness on repeat. Sunday’s responsibilities. Eighth hospitalisation. The new hospital is now open, she has a room with a beautiful view of the bay that stretches out to the city on a clear day. She is very unwell…… My brothers have been her only other family support. I am grateful. One comes tomorrowContinue reading “A Room with a View”

The calmness of less urgency today. No immediate rush of work, school, hospital. The last time I brought my dog here to sleep, (she needs to be chained at home,) she squashed her solid ten-year-old body into the tiny, sixteen-year-olds kennel, resulting in an opera of barking and crying all night. This time I triedContinue reading “Relieved to Change the Rhetoric.”

Finally, some relief. Hospital……….. Now it’s a different struggle. The juggle. Holding all the balls in the air. Work full time. Two houses. Three dogs. Two cats. Fish. School. Work says it supports people through crisis. Reality is quieter. You must be transparent to ask for flexibility. But not too transparent. Because honesty can becomeContinue reading “HOSPITAL”

Day nine without food. Four calls to mental health triage. Two ambulance calls. IRT aware. Services say she is “fine.” GP told her to go to hospital. She refuses. Kids start school today. How do I function knowing my child is starving, alone? If you rang a vet and said your dog hadn’t eaten inContinue reading “Day Nine”

Day eight with no food. My girl is the kindest, most loving, and supportive person I have ever known. It is the cruelest illness to watch her turn so negative about herself and starve because of delusional thoughts. Thoughts that convince her of the complete opposite of reality. She has a weekly appointment with theContinue reading “Day Eight”

Seven days without food. Third day calling triage. Trying to get someone to understand. Told Sunday’s case manager notes should have been enough. Told to call an ambulance. I did. She has a life-long, permanent mental illness. She cannot see she could die. Each day. A risk assessment. I am not a doctor. I juggleContinue reading “Day Seven”

Yesterday I was told to wait. Yesterday was the case manager appointment. Wait until she becomes dizzy. Wait until tomorrow’s appointment. Today triage says: If I think she needs emergency, call 000. She is on day six without food. She drinks small amounts of water. She can still walk. She is still delusional. From theContinue reading “Day Six”

No food Watching your child suffer through something so heinous is unbearable, particularly when she cannot understand that her life is at risk. The struggle to convince her to go to hospital continues. The case manager/ nurse has a scheduled visit today, Hoping that he sees the reality of what is happening and advocates forContinue reading “Day Five”

No food. Still arguing thresholds, not starved enough yet for admission. Care reduced to criteria. Life can’t be planned. I get angry. It’s the wrong reaction, but a predictable one. This illness is insidious. It removes people from reality and cannot be reasoned with. Time sits still, waiting…. Recovery or Death ? Suspended inside theContinue reading “Day Four”

I went looking for jade for wealth. Weeks of searching led me nowhere, too small, too showy, too much gold. And then I stopped on a piece I hadn’t been looking for: white jade with apple green, described as grounding for carers. It felt less like I chose it and more like it chose me.Continue reading “Chosen for Grounding: Finding Wealth in Care and Stillness”

I went to the office yesterday and was reminded how much I enjoy connecting with people, even though I often isolate myself working from home. Meeting great staff in the office highlighted a little contradiction: I’m a team leader, yet I don’t always feel like a people person. Still, I enjoy re-engaging with the world,Continue reading “Finding Connection”

The scent of gardenias greets me at the front door. The tomatoes have struggled this year, yet the gardenia is covered in more blooms than I have seen since moving here, August will mark three years. Some things flourish without effort, even when others do not. School holidays are drawing to a close, work isContinue reading “Where Things Quietly Thrive”

Before I dive into cleaning. Today’s plan: clear out old, unused clothes and make a bit of space. I’m also looking for a small piece of Grade A jade to bring good energy into the year. Funny how much of it is dyed or manufactured, made to look real when it’s not. A good reminderContinue reading “Choosing What’s Genuine”