The Lady in the Back Row

Windy, windy day.

Worked from home trying to tie up loose ends, still submitting evidence to VCAT.

Had some moissanite earrings delivered because they were about 1% of the cost of synthetic diamonds.

Nothing over the top, just pretty and affordable.

Also bought tickets recently in one of those house competitions, two houses raffled, choose a house or $2 million dollars.

Obviously didn’t win.

But this morning I woke up, looked around my home, my family, my life, and honestly felt like I’d already won Tats Lotto anyway. Very lucky.

Sometimes gratitude is worth more than chasing another raffle ticket. Maybe time to stop buying the stupid things and appreciate what I’ve already got.

Now off to the kids’ place for dinner.

Life is very quiet now without the children and the constant hustle and bustle of hospitals. Even though my daughter is home, she still has a feeding tube, so it still feels touch and go at times.

Tonight I had a bath with lavender, Epsom salts and baby oil because my knees are really sore from falling over yesterday.

Afterwards I sat out the back with a can of gin and a rolly, listening to the wind and listening to music instead of automatically turning the TV on.

It felt like a small act of self-care.

The wind reminded me of being in my 20s, lying in bed hearing it whistle while I was splitting up with my husband.

Funny how certain sounds can pull memories back so clearly. An interesting reminder, an interesting memory.

Today was one of those strange days where you try hard to look normal on the outside, even when life underneath feels anything but normal.

I went into the office, for the first time in months, put makeup on, dressed properly, acted like myself. Sometimes presentation becomes armour.

Parking around the building is ridiculous, so throughout the day I had to move my car three separate times between two-hour parks.

On the first move, I parked near the boom gate and walked around it through the shrubs.

I didn’t see a metal pipe protruding low from the garden bed and went straight over it.

Face first onto the concrete.

Hands. Knees.

Shock first, pain later.

What’s strange is there’s barely a mark on me.

No dramatic cuts or blood, just this deep throbbing ache settling into both kneecaps now that the adrenaline has worn off.

Sitting tonight at my daughter’s house with my legs elevated, feeling sore in that heavy bruised way that makes every movement remind you it happened.

I took a photo afterwards, and even looking directly at the area, the metal is hard to see because it blends into the landscaping. Hidden hazards are a bit like that in life sometimes, the things that bring you down are often the things nobody notices until after the fall.

Work from home today.

It was a rainy, cold day, one of those grey ones where everything feels a bit slower than usual.

I spent part of the day ringing around to get quotes for the roof, it’s a priority before winter.

It’s the Strawberry Moon tonight.

They say it is a time of new beginnings and letting go of things that don’t need to come forward with you.

I sat and gazed at it last night.

It looked almost full, already bright, steady, and very beautiful in the sky.

I sat on my back step just looking at it, sitting with my own thoughts, thinking about the hopes and wishes I have moving forward, and the kind of energy I want to carry with me into the future.

I was waiting for the full Strawberry Moon tonight, but because it’s so rainy, It’s obscured by the clouds.

Went and had dinner with the kids. My daughter made apple crumble and pasta.

She’s going through the most difficult time with her health, but still makes sure everyone is looked after.

Got everything ready for the office tomorrow.

Bit of a boring day really, but steady.

Ordinary days like this still have their own weight to them when you look back on them.

Sitting in a play centre with my granddaughter while she celebrates her little friend’s birthday.

Sunny, easy Sunday energy.

School runners are on the agenda later today, another one of those ordinary little jobs that somehow takes half the day.

Everything feels slower today in a good way.

My daughter has had music playing most of the day.

It helps drown out the delusions and quieten things in her mind a bit.

She also thinks she needs to stand constantly, so I’m going to take her for a drive later so she has no option but to sit and hopefully relax for a while.

No big plans today.

Just trying to keep things calm, manageable, and steady.

9.00pm scary movie with one of my grandsons.

Today felt productive in a quiet sort of way.

Washed the car, vacuumed the house, mowed the lawn, and went to Officeworks to print out all the documents for VCAT.

One of those days where you spend most of the time just trying to keep life moving forward and organised.

Sat with the kids for a while and later went to the movies.

It wasn’t really a scary movie, more just strange and interesting, my grandson really enjoyed it.

When we got home, I sat out on the back doorstep watching the clouds move across the sky.

It was beautiful.

Calm.

Everything felt slowed right down for a little while.

The house is starting to come together again too, and even getting small things sorted makes me feel more settled in my head.

My daughter still isn’t well, but she’s started the new medication now, so hopefully things start improving from here.

Now the day’s done.

The last two days have felt almost too easy compared to the last seven weeks.

Just getting up, working, knocking of a bit early to pick up glasses for my granddaughter and having dinner with the kids.

The house is still in a bit of disarray, so the weekend will be dedicated to cleaning, resetting, and getting things back in order.

My daughter had an appointment brought forward, and we were finally given the medication we had been waiting on.

The system still frustrates me. There’s a constant stream of shifting ideas and diagnoses without clear certainty, and it leaves her more confused than supported most times.

What has been especially hard to watch is how poorly some mental health services communicate.

The way things are explained to her is often not grounded in how someone in her position can actually process it.

Some of the suggestions are just unrealistic or poorly delivered, and it ends up making things worse instead of clearer.

Overall, it’s been an easier stretch. The weekend will be about catching up at home.

Hopefully this next medication starts to make a difference, because at this point, that’s what everything is hanging on.

First day in a while not starting work at 7am doing the school transport run, so it felt like an easier day.

Reconciliation Week activities today, and I sat in on a really inspiring speaker session and started a new inclusion and diversity program, which I really enjoyed.

Had dinner sitting with the kids, spent some time scrolling, bought a Powerball ticket and just kept positive energy vibes all day. Nothing huge….just one of those steady, good days that leaves you feeling grateful and calm.

Today my daughter and grandchildren went back home to their place.

She is still very unwell and trying her very best.

I live not far away and the kids know they can call me if something doesn’t feel right.

I’ll still go over after work and help where I can, make sure things are okay.

I am feeling a little gutted about it all.

Not dramatic.

Not falling apart.

Just sad and tired in that quiet way carers become tired.

Trying to keep life moving forward.

I keep hoping the next medication eventually helps her find her way back to herself.

The system is a slow process, waiting for an appointment.

We will see how things are travelling over the next few weeks.

Until then, we just keep going.

Today was one of those nonstop days where every hour belonged to someone or something else. Hours spent trying to complete VCAT paperwork and requirements, school runs back and forward, sitting with my girl, cooking dinner, trying to keep the house moving, talking with a friend just to have a moment of connection in amongst it all.

And even now the day still isn’t finished. I’ve still got to let the cat in, feed the other dog, grab groceries, then finally come home. Sometimes life feels less like living and more like managing an endless list of responsibilities that never quite stops growing.

But underneath all the running around is what matters most — showing up for people. For the kids. For family. For the animals. Even on the exhausting days, that counts for something.

A really interesting day today. Work, school, and my daughter came home from hospital.

They going to change her medication, but now we are at the mercy of the IRT team making an appointment to give her the medication the hospital doctors were already happy to approve. Now we have to wait weeks for an appointment with them, which honestly feels ridiculous.

Everyone’s at my house now, so it’s lovely and cosy.

I planted some plants because I found some pots in hard rubbish and upcycled them.

Changed my bank card, spoke to VCAT, and got a few other productive things sorted too, so overall it was actually a very productive day.