Day Six

Yesterday I was told to wait.

Yesterday was the case manager appointment.

Wait until she becomes dizzy.

Wait until tomorrow’s appointment.

Today triage says:

If I think she needs emergency, call 000.

She is on day six without food.

She drinks small amounts of water.

She can still walk.

She is still delusional.

From the outside, it can look stable.

From the inside, it feels like a quiet emergency.

They are talking about changing the diagnosis to PTSD.

I don’t care what it’s called.

I care what it’s doing.

Services seem to think I am a neurotic mother.

She says she will not eat until July.

I say the date will change.

Because this illness always moves the goalposts.

So I sit in between,

all while the kids and I sit in this illness together.

Watching a body without nourishment.

Watching a mind that cannot recognise danger.

Six days without food is not nothing.

Psychosis is not nothing.

I am not dramatic.

I am paying attention.